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Cleaning day!

Cleaning out everything in my room ends up being pretty disastrous...I always end up getting distracted by old papers or art or books. Recently, I started this cleaning endeavor by attempting to sort out the books on my bookshelf. I have at the very least 50 manga books (having previously worked at a library, I had no need to purchase many), the entire Redwall series-which is around 23 books, including new books up to March of this year-by Brian Jacques, and no less than 100 other books crammed into the 4 tiny wooden shelves. These are all books like my Calvin and Hobbes collection that I cannot let go. And why would I throw away books, anyway? So absurd. :P

There is a crate of textbooks and school books that either could not sell back or can be used for other courses next to my bookshelf. All in all, I have a lot of books for my tiny room, and I've been considering gettinga larger bookshelf so I can fit all of them. Maybe I'll wait until I move out with Meron.

I just threw out around 15-20 ceramic pieces I did in old pottery classes and in school, knowing I'd never want nor use the ugly things in any way possible. All of my high school papers have been thrown out, other than my senior project, which I have deemed my best paper to date.

My next project is throwing away everything in my desk. I've decided that I need none of it, and the art supplie in there are all half-broken, dried out, or just thrown in there. I need to clean it and then put the things in there that actually NEED to be in there.

Once I start getting my paychecks, bits of those each week are going towards getting my animals some new stuff. My bearded dragon, Kai, would benefit from a UV light, a different basking light fixture, some sand now that he's bigger, a few decorations for his tank, a custom-fit top for it, and a log for him to help him shed.

The fish are both going to get individual, small, filtered tanks, and I'm going to go to Chinatown to get some nice shiny rocks and a statue for each of them so they're not so bored in a tiny tank with a divider. The new tanks will sit along the top shelf of my desk. The kind of tank I'm looking for is: http://www.amazon.com/Mini-Bow-Desktop-Kit-Aquarium/dp/B002FN3MEG/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top because it loooks amazing, and the price is a bit high...but it's reusable and when my buds pass away-probably of old age, these guys are amazing-I can store them until I find some new friends.

Gotta finish my sorting, but I'll be back~!
Shardyyyyy out <3

Life's going great!

A quick summary: I've gotten a job at the GameStop near my house. All school situations have been fixed, and beginning September I will be talking transfer agreements with my school. I celebrated one whole amazing year with the greatest man alive. And I've had some great trips this year, including North Carolina and Otakon this past weekend. It was a blast, as usual.

As with most conventions, there are things that need to be changed, new rules that need to be implemented for your roomies or con groupies. This year was no exception, in fact, as smoothly as it went and as much fun as we had, there was quite an interesting upset that happened with our roomie. She didn't know it, but she (to put it bluntly) fucked up in a big way.

This Otakon's plan was simple, my boyfriend and I were going to take his car to Baltimore on the Thursday evening before the convention to relax, pick up our badges, and celebrate his birthday and our anniversary in a dinky hotel about a mile's walk from the convention center. We had plans to go to dinner, to grab our badges, then to take off for a romantic evening at our hotel. *wink wink* We would then move to another hotel where our friends were staying Friday and resume con-going from there.

Our plans were to be ruined, however, as our friend called within days of leaving and asked if we could give her a ride. I immediately sensed that this was a bad idea, but the con-mom in me caved and I said yes. However, I told her several times that she had to be courteous of our anniversary plans. She agreed to this and said she would go hang out with a friend that was going to be at the con Thursday, too. In communicating to her about plans to leave, she was also told to be ready by 1pm so we could get there and avoid really bad traffic.

Thursday comes, it's time to leave, and guess who is barely packed? Two hours pass before we actually get on the road. We hit some bad toll traffic during the drive. When we get to Baltimore, our friend then screws up the hotel situation and has us pay more for an extra person. She's slow and unorganized when we try to leave to pick up our badges, afterwards having us take until almost 9pm to find dinner for her because she's an extremely picky vegetarian. Our plans for a romantic dinner are down the toilet as the place we were going for dinner closed around then. 

When we get back to the room, she sits and watches TV and cockblocks the anniversary "celebration". We fool around in the tiny-ass shower a bit, and then go to bed unsatisfied and pissed off.

The rest of the weekend was AMAZING. If I tried to describe it, I'd be lost for words. I met one of my long time favorite Japanese hip-hop bands, Home Made Kazoku, took photos with them and got their autographs, and a new favorite band, the Yoshida Brothers. The bf was so happy to see them, and we all had so much fun. We didn't worry about our friend for the rest of the weekend. In fact, she disappeared two nights in a row to get drunk, returning in the late morning only to pack her bags and get to the concert for Home Made Kazoku. We had already been in line but left her the car keys to do so.

The things we found out after the convention did not amuse us whatsoever. Not only did our friend jack up our room price for Thursday, she had plenty of people to hang out with for most of the night, which would have been nice for her to take up so we could have some alone time. She also had a ride to the convention on Friday in the morning, but chose to bug us for one instead because taking a bus to our other friend's house is too much work. She did not pay any gas money for the ride, complained about other people taking her spot in the room (when she was piss drunk and never came back anyway), and only rushed to be somewhere if it involved alcohol.

So, this is what we've discussed: This friend is no longer getting rides from us or staying with us, because we never get gas money and the disorganization in our room comes from her stuff being everywhere. She cannot pity-party us into giving her what she wants. We are telling her that she can find her own way or not go. She is the only one in our group who consistently gets shitshow drunk at conventions-and that isn't allowed in our room-so from now on, she may stay with the people she is partying with.

We will be sitting her down to tell her this soon, and I hope she will think about mending her ways, and actually make the effort to find her own way for once.

Now that all of that is doneeeee....here's a pic for you!


That's me in the Toph costume.

The bf's on the right and our friend Maeve is on the left. The rest are the Home Made Kazoku members, from left to right: beanpole DJ U-Ichi, MC Micro (shorty), and MC Kuro. :3



Back. Stressing.

And really worried.

For a while, I've had a small, knot-like lump on the back right side of my neck, and since I've discovered it, it's gotten bigger. It's uncomfortable when I touch it. When I tilt my head to expose my neck you can actually see where it is. I'm freaking out.

There's another one a little above it. This isn't symmetrical, it's not on the left side as well. I'd be a little less concerned if it were.  I'm thinking of going to the doctor, and as much as I hate that, my family has a history of pretty much every type of cancer (most notably lymphoma), so I think it's time I get it checked.

There are other things it could be, yeah. But since, thanks to my relatives, I may be genetically inclined to contract such diseases, I'm scared. 

Updates when I get to the doc this week.

Keep grinding my gears.

Sometimes why I wonder why I give advice to people who are so jaded, naive, and selfish.

I give as much advice as I can, only to have it ignored because people choose to see things the way THEY want to see them.

I take my time and energy to write things for friends, and it gets thrown by the wayside. Only today, I was giving GOOD, solid advice to one of my girlfriends, who I love dearly, and she went and deleted it, and reposted the original thread. This made it obvious she was only looking for pity.

I want my friend to be happy. But she NEVER, EVER takes my advice. Just walks through life in a fog of selfishness. She wants to "smile all the time", and have a boyfriend who can make her smile...all the time.

To quote my boyfriend, "To be human, you have to be able to feel other emotions". You can't just walk around smiling if the guy you like might be untrustworthy. Which is definitely the case here.

She trusts him 100%, but the guy still gets rides from his ex-girlfriend because he doesn't have his own car. So basically, every day, he depends on her for a ride, and sees her, every day. He's unattached right now, but who's to say he's not getting some on the side?

From what I've observed, he got iffy when my friend asked him about it, and when she told him that she had feelings for him, he stopped talking to her. To me, that's beyond shady, and really untrustworthy. If I liked a guy like that, no matter what, I'd drop him in a second. If I can't trust, I can't be attached to someone like that.

Here's the funny thing: SHE DOESN'T TAKE THAT AS A HINT. She says she trusts him because he makes her smile a lot.

What if he was a fucking serial killer?

Honestly, I'm done giving her advice, because all the time I give my friend just goes to shit.


Meron signed off at 11:59:02 PM.
Meron is offline and will receive your IMs when signing back in.
Meron (12:04:59 AM): ?
K-bo (12:05:11 AM): what
K-bo (12:05:30 AM): you going to bed my honey?
Meron(12:05:43 AM): was on teh way
Meron(12:05:50 AM): then i wanted to say good night again
Meron(12:05:53 AM): and that i love u
K-bo(12:06:06 AM): i love you!
Meron(12:06:06 AM): and that
Meron(12:06:08 AM): idk
Meron(12:06:11 AM): just everything
Lorienelfgirl515 (12:06:22 AM): you so cute <3
Meron(12:06:18 AM): i am so happy to have u
K-bo(12:06:30 AM): boo
K-bo(12:06:37 AM): i am so happy to have you in my life
K-bo(12:06:52 AM): you dont even know!
Meron(12:06:45 AM): now am going to bed
Meron(12:06:52 AM): u dont even know
K-bo(12:07:07 AM): go to bed! haha you need to take care o yourself!
K-bo(12:08:02 AM): i love you so much boo, you mean the world to me. sleep well please, and text me in the morning!
K-bo(12:08:35 AM): if you can ;3
K-bo(12:08:40 AM): now get under those covers
K-bo(12:08:43 AM): get comfy
K-bo(12:08:57 AM): close your eyes
K-bo(12:09:04 AM): and get some sleep :3
Meron(12:09:03 AM): ahaha yes ma'am
Meron(12:09:05 AM): i llove u!
Meron(12:09:10 AM): night booooo!
K-bo(12:09:21 AM): night love!!!!

I love him so much.

What I don't appreciate.

I know I have a lot to work on in regards to my "self-system", but what I don't appreciate is others trying to tell me what comes first. He comes first in my life. Nothing else. And no matter what good anyone means by any advice or philosophy, no one can change that. I have my reasons for it and I will stubbornly hold by them until the end.

I'm not assertive most of the time. I'm not strong unless I feel the need to be. I've been through a fuckload in regards to relationships and it's scarred me emotionally. I take things for granted and don't see the whole picture sometimes, but what I do see is that, in my current relationship, I've found someone who has changed my life around. 

I went from wallowing in depression to happy and smiling in a few months, because of him. He completes me, is perfect for me in every way, and despite our age difference that everyone jokes about and rags us about I can't help but love him regardless. There are no doubts in my mind when I think of him. He makes me happy in every way and lights up my life whether he's beside me at the moment or not. 

I used to be scared of committing myself or having any kinds of feelings for anyone because I had been hurt too many times, used and dumped or confused to the breaking point then left by the wayside. My mind screamed for me to never love anyone again, but there was something about this person that made me feel like everything in the world was okay. He puts me first, I put him first. I don't care what others think. I don't care if anyone else wants to have a say in how our relationship works. He is NUMBER ONE in my life, and nothing and no one can change it.

I love him. 
And every day, I can't believe I've found such a person.
He's my one and only. He's my life and my dreams and the air I breathe.
And the only thing I want is him.



Please tell me it's all a dream~~~~~<3

In other news...nothing much else has been going on.

Sneaking tiny bits of time to see my love. I feel like I haven't had a solid day of seeing him...oh, wait, I really haven't.

I got a few hours today, at least.

Started my classes this week. The one class I had trouble with gradewise was one I ended up having to re-take...I went in to the second class Wednesday morning, only to be told I had tested out of it anyway. So much for that. Now, the only thing is to get the "No Pass" grade removed from the system. My GPA will NOT suffer from this. Grr.

So sleepy.

Writer's Block: Simply wonderful

It's often said that the simple things in life are the most precious. What small pleasures make you the happiest?

I know it's an old "Writer's Block," but who cares.

Holding his hand. Being next to him, in his arms, or just hearing his voice. Hanging with friends and knowing that, for the moment, everything is alright.  A glass of cold water or barley tea. Waking up earlier than the sun, and snuggling deep into the covers until the light takes away all chances of sleep. A soft blanket. A nice pencil to draw with. Silence and a handheld video game.

In all honesty, I'm easy to please...


What I've learned from my parent's attitudes today:

1.) It's not okay to calmly speak my mind or ask questions. If I do, I'm "psycho", "rude", "impossible", or I "just don't shut up". All conversations are one-sided, and if I speak during sentence intervals (in places where I'm not actually interrupting), I'm interrupting, and thus may be cut off.

2.) Walking away from a situation that has escalated into a hostile screaming match is not okay, yet when I'm the one attempting to ask questions or prove a point, it's fine if they walk away.

3.) The rule "your phone is not allowed in your room" is a control point, but my parents aren't the ones who are controlling, I am because I "come home late sometimes". If I disobey this rule and have my phone in my room, I'm completely disrespecting them, even if I'm not using it. (I don't get it)

4.) I'm always wrong. No matter what.

Martial Arts, Relationships

I didn't really expect to be training last night, but I went and complied anyway.

What I was going for was alone time with my boyfriend, which we haven't had a lot of in a while. My week has been hell and I honestly just wanted to see him and be beside him. I was upset and not in the best emotional state. It kind of sucked. I was happy to learn some Ba Gua though, as I always admired the flowing blocks and the ability to turn your opponent's back to you and attack through that.

I got pulled aside by my sensei, who had a talk with me, and in all honesty I do not know what to think about in regards to what he discussed with me.

He started by saying that if I need Meron to be physically there next to me to be happy, then I was going about the relationship in the wrong way. It's not so much I needed him there that I wanted to talk to him instead of texting him (plus, like I said, we've barely had any time this week)...but my sensei had a point. What I was doing was selfish, and I was apparently tearing my boy up because he had his responsibility to train, but he also wanted to be with me and help me through. 

I was also told that I need to be able to remind myself that if I truly love Meron, I am thus able to realize that even though he may not physically be there with me, he's always there for me no matter what. I shouldn't need his constant physical presence to keep me happy.

What I was confused about was this: I think along those lines, that I want and need him to be there, but it isn't so much to make me happy as it comforts me, and I also want to make him happy, because seeing that just makes me smile. I don't know if that is basically the same thing.  And there's a certain level of trust and love in relationships that allows both people to be able to comfort the other without saying anything...but my sensei also said: "your emotions are a choice". So that confused me.

I mean, I got the whole "your emotions are a choice" thing.  You can choose, in a situation, what you're feeling. For example, in a frustrating setting, you can choose to not let it affect you, or become angry and annoyed. Or, in an upsetting atmosphere, you can choose to be sad or let the emotion go. It just takes a level of tolerance and composure. A very hard concept to understand...the more I try to do so, the more I get confused.

As the rest of your emotions are a choice, happiness is also a choice. Basically, in my living situation, I am choosing to let what my parents say and do affect me to a point where I am distraught and yearn for comfort from an outside party (ex: my boyfriend). I keep thinking that I cannot possibly be happy where I am...but that's just me choosing not to be. I could let it go. I could brush it off. But what I've been doing is let it get under my skin and fester and cause me pain. I need to change that.

I don't know if this is the right way to go about thinking about this. I'm sure that I'll completely understand it someday, though.

~Shard out.

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August 2010